Journal #9 – 4/7/2024

I have to say I woke up feeling much better than when I fell asleep yesterday. I had about 3:47 hours of sleep (the sleep aid device is actually really good), and my heart rate and breathing is normal, according to the stats measured by the device.

I woke up; and the first thing I did was wonder what I dreamt about; because I do remember dreaming, but I couldn’t recall what it was. So after that, I sat down to try to imagine a positive future for me. I couldn’t imagine like my dream house or dream car (do I even have a dream car?) or anything of the material realm. However, what I imagined were the people who are dear to me. I imagined like my dad feeling proud of me; I hugged my mom as we laughed and cried, my sister shook hands with me. My Best friend gave me a hug and said he thanked me for being there. I was once again in a rock band with my friend from high school (and we weren’t that old! In the imagination). I lifted up my niece and spun her around playing airplane and she was laughing with such innocence.

After the imagination session; I decided I was going to take out the trash I cleaned up last night before I went to sleep. And I did that! With a little promise to myself that we are only going to smoke a cigarette after we are done taking out the trash.

I took my new phone out and I recorded as much as I can. I went to a convenience store to buy 2 cans of hot coffee. I walked around the town to see the remaining drunk people from last night’s Saturday fever. I went to where I get off from the shuttle bus from work; and did a whole walk and talk thing.

I got home; and I took packages of the goods arrived in. It was a belt (with plastic buckle so that I can wear it and go through security at work), screen protector for my new phone, and 10 blue envelopes for when and if I decide to write anyone more letters. As I am writing this paragraph I just received a message saying that 1 more package arrived. I am assuming that’s the phone case. Aha, now my new phone is complete! Let me go get it.

It fits perfectly (duh) but now the phone feels massive, haha.

If I learned anything from last week is that though it is good that I do a lot, it is also necessary for me to take things slowly. 1% increase everyday should be my mindset; and I must refrain myself from rushing out too much. I need to eat well and gain some weight; for I feel that I lost too much over the course of last week. I need to regularly exercise more beyond work to keep my mind sharp; and most of all, I must learn to enjoy good sleep. Be compassionate to the people around me; do not make them feel weirded out by sudden changes. Take it slow. Help anyone you see who seeks it. You have the senses to know if your helped is unsolicited or asked for. Be mindful of yourself. Meditate and align your life to your life’s purpose, which is to help and give to others all you can.

Love. Love yourself and love those around you.

And most of all, live every day leaving behind regrets. Any regret unaddressed can become so much of a pain to deal with later.

You learned this last week: even a sincere truth can come out wrong if not at the right place and the right time.

Document everything as much as possible; that is the only way to prove to yourself and the world that you are not crazy. If you are indeed crazy; let these documentations become the evidence in which you or they can use to study the phenomenon that turned a person crazy.

Be the goodness you want to see unfold in the universe.

Okay, now, podcast time?

Theme song for different occasions. I should pick them.

If you give them a reason; any reason, somehow they are more ready to accept what you do. (tip for not looking like a crazy man)

After the breakfast, I took a short nap. It’s 9:17 am now.

Took a long shower; because after I was done listing out the left column of my manual for change (eh yeah I didn’t write about me starting it yet, have it?), I wasn’t sure what to do so I just hit the shower. In the middle of the shower, however, I realized that this actually is an opportunity for me to clean up more of the mess in my room. Food containers are here; I am naked; water is running, what else do I need?

So yeah, as I was taking a shower, I started doing some cleaning. I actually got down to a lot of the nasty stuff that I was kind of holding off from cleaning. Got way more done than I intended and I am just glad I am that much closer to the goal of finally cleaning out my room.

I paused in the middle to give my dad a call because the idea just hit me that every time he and I meet, we are always just eating and talking, and not necessarily “doing” things together to pave the common grounds of understandings. So I suggested to him that next time we meet, could he teach me how to play billiard (one of his biggest interest currently because he is attempting to become a pro at it).

He said I should rather spend that time and energy into building something more tangible, something more concrete that can serve me as a proof to the world that I’ve changed. The chat went round and round but I ended with the note saying, “okay, once all that is done, you promise me you will teach me, is that a deal?” and then he said, “yeah, that’s fine”

And so I resumed the shower + cleaning + listening to podcast. I think it was in total an hour or so? Anyway, I did all that, now the containers are clean. The 75L trash bag that I had in there collecting non-recyclable trash was filled up so I tied it up. Just now I went outside and tossed it. On the way back to my flat, I went to “the” convenience store to buy some febreeze. 3 times I went shopping and I forgot to buy that. Today I finally bought a can.

Now I am here; continuing with my manual for change. Now that I have listed all the qualities in future me that I do not wish him to have, it’s time to create a plan, a very detailed plan & strategy to make that into reality.

And as soon as I take a pause, the urge to smoke kicks in. maybe this is my destructive self trying to stop me from doing that one thing that will get rid of him for good. First of all, I don’t believe it is possible to completely eliminate that negative side of you. I believe that all we can do is find harmony in the flux of all these different intents.

So here’s my negotiation with the dark side: We will go out for a smoke, but only after I do some small task that I put off; transfer contact info from my old phone to the new phone. My dark side agrees.

And it’s done!

Kind of feeling the need to set up a system to manage my cashflow. Without knowing how my cash is being allocated; how can I keep the saving in order to turn them into assets?

So I found this excel sheet that I made before that I used to track monthly spending. I modded it a bit and made it into my cashflow chart. I wanted to use Rocket Money to check on all my recurring expenses (such as MS office and YT Premium), but apparently US only. I assumed so, but meh. I guess I’ll either manually find out or find an alternative that includes Korean institutions.

0130 PM. I think I’ll try to get some nap before work.

Woke up at 2ish. I’m not sure what I did after that lol. I know one thing I did was clean up the room more. Organize the trash that’s near where my drumset is. Bagged up some so they are toss ready.

3:35, and I’m actually gonna go out now. Take a peaceful walk to the shuttle bus instead of rushing out before 20 minutes. If I have time, I’ll meditate. If I can’t, I’ll continue watching the podcast