Journal #4 – 4/1/2024
This entry was made while the “i” key on my keyboard was broken. It somehow miraculously fixed itself now (well not entirely but it only occurs occasionally now).
The descriptions of the dreams I had are… weird at best. I still don’t understand the meaning of these dreams but reading these entries I do remember them.
Bye March! Hi April!
Today I am going to shoot 2 videos! One will be the journal type, and second one is going to be about how to be okay with the self-image.
Self-image will be an edited, actual content video.
Aren’t I too old for this? No! well, if you take a snapshot of my life at just this moment, maybe, yeah, then I am too old for doing this. However, if you wind time and if I am 60 years old, and if I am doing what I do, then apparently the world sees that as “courageous”
I’d rather be the goofy, smiling, sharing, giving happy old man than be a grumpy, stingy, cynical old man.
And because I am practicing to be just that, I have 24 years of head start.
And under that perspective, no, I am not too old for this. In fact, I am too young for this, and I’m doing it anyways.
So two things I must do is: do this until I reach 60, and most importantly, live upto 60. I really wiish I can live up to 60.
Slept around 4:30, and now I woke up it’s 5:40
My last thought before I went to sleep was about quitting cigarette because I want to survive longer for that identity vision stuff to work.
I also had a dream. The content of it is quickly fading right now. It’s something to do with product. Like, a conversation with someone abut a product. I think I remember being told that “it works that way because it’s designed that way.” So I guess I was talking to the creator of something. The dream I think was decent, in terms of emotion elicited.
I was on my way up to my flat on the elevator. And as the door was shutting, Through the closing slit, I saw a couple, caring a lot of things approaching the elevator. Our building has 3 elevators. One that serves odd number floors, one that serves the even numbers, and one that serves every floor. So I wasn’t sure which elevator they wanted to take. But when the door nearly closed on them it was like only an inch open), through that narrow slit I could sense the aura of “giving up” on their body. So that’s when I immediately realized that this was the elevator they needed to get on. So I bolted and pressed the door open button.
The slit was gone. The door was almost closed; nearly closed; and at the cusp of no return. But I was on time, and the door slowly opened. The couple and I exchanged eye contact. Both quite surprised that the door actually opened. They whispered the barely audiable “thank you” to me. And I sad “why didn’t you say anything…” and the woman of the couple let out that awkward little laughter.
What I did for them probably didn’t even seem like a help to them. I, too, don’t feel like I did something that deserves any praise. But I do know as matter of fact that I saved them at least a minute or two of their precious time so they don’t have to stand and wait for the elevator to come down again.
One pattern I noticed in life is that the quality of your life correlates with the size of the window in your house.
I just sat down and emulated a scenario in my head about the concept of “one word”. I realized that there may be some people whose truth can be harsh, dark and brutal. What do we do then? What if someone’s one word is steal, what if someone’s one word is kill?
Quick answer to that question, or an immediate answer I think is “please channel that for goodness”. If your drive in life is stealing, perhaps you could strive to become the modern day robin hood. If you kill, maybe become a soldier or a vigilante, like dexter.
For a moment I became a person handing out fliers. In my head, I went up to someone struggling to hand out fliers, I took them, and started giving them out to strangers in funny, whacky salesman style mode.
That thought came to me in response to an inner question that’s somewhere along the lines of “What will you do if all you do fails?” and I said, If I take a walk outside the street right now, you can find countless people to help, even if their problem is minor.
It seems that our society is awed by people who lack ability doing great things. Like a 3 year old genius piano player, or an old man who has a ripped body. An old couple graduating together getting a college degree, etc. But it seems that we give too little credit to average people for their accomplishments.
Matrix of ready and worthy
| Worthy Purpose | ||
| Ready skill | Ready and Worthy | Worthy but not ready |
| Ready but not worthy = | Not ready, not worthy | |
Seth Godin: The 3 Pillars of Creativity (How to Become the Most Creative Person in ANY Room) Podcast by The Knowledge project podcast. He mentions the concept of minimal viable audience. Clearly define to whom your creation will serve and whom it will not serve.
I’ve been calling it a stasis, but what really is it? I am becoming more convinced that maybe it was an addiction to inaction. At first I’d say it was depression; but was I really depressed? Sure, every part of my life falling apart in front of my eyes was depressing, but did I feel depressed? Wasn’t it more of a numbness of mind, apathy to what’s going on, and pain of hating myself?
So I will specify who I think this is for. And if those people don’t like it, then I am wrong. But I know I’m not the only one out there. So if I am wrong, then I will shift gears until I find the right audience.
Every month, my phone is refilled with 100gb of data. I use that for my internet. That 100gb quickly drains and once it’s out I am stuck using internet for 500kbps speed until the next month. I wonder If there is a way to toggle it so that I use data only when I wish to, so that I can use speedy internet when it is necessary.
I just received an ad text from crowdworking about data labeling. Then I thought, with advent of AI, it will very soon be the machines doing these works. So machine processing information for machines, in a sense.
I just went out for a cigarette before going to bed (I got work in few hours). Through the window to the hallway, there was an old lady, who apparently seemed like she needed help. We made eye contact and she opened her mouth. So I left the cigarette on the floor, and I ran into the hallway and asked her what she needed. She said she needed to go to the hospital on the 4th floor and she wasn’t sure which elevator she had to take. So I guided her and told her that she had to go down the first floor and actually enter a different entrance in order to access the 1~4th floor of the building which is the commercial area.
I asked her how she ended up coming up to the 13th floor; and it seems like she got on an elevator with someone and she just got off with her and she was absolutely lost. She wasn’t even aware that she was on the 13th floor.
Let this night prepare for the riising sun that may be our last ray of shine?
Define the spec of your work that should meet before it can be shipped.
On a pixel game, you don’t want an elaborate 3d rendered image, unless you do it wiiith a purpose and intent to convey a message. Else, it’s elaborateness iis the very reason why iit fails to meet the spec
Hold on a second. I am watching No. 1 CEO: The Strategies I Used to Build 5 Billion-Dollar Companies (And How You Can Use Them) by the Knowledge Project Podcast (because binaural beats sleep inducing video ddn’t work) and here it mentions that the universe is 13 billion years. Just now, somehow, I thought to myself ‘only 13 billion years?’
Why?????
Oh and I also called my sister today. I was going to try the binaural beats because I was afraid of leaving regrets if I tried this and by an offchance it messes up my brain.
I just woke up. I had a dream, and not that pleasing one. I am here now and I feel like that happy me is currently not present. Like it went on a leave, or decided to hide inside my unconsciousness. Maybe that childlike side of me was put down by my unconsciousness while my consciousness was nactve.
In my dream, I remember a device, a machine that surrounded me, which was supposed to fix something? And there was music, then the music abbrupptively stopped. then I remember my mind thinking, “of course’.
I remember the voice of a doctor. Saying got you. This is the way it works.
I also remember the beach house. I remember the beach. I was on the beach.. I remember a child talking.
I remember my mom, very young and happy version of her, running. She was smiling, and she held her hand out to me and said lets go. There was a round bbutton flashing red with the caricature of my young mom on it. There I think was a red pprogress bar, like a timer, slowly fading. I said no and she saiid “you said you wll go with me” and I said well things have changed and what about dad?
And that’s when she said I should go see the doctor, I think
The doctor I went to met was at our old home in jangan town, or somewhere that resembles that place.
Anyways, in the middle of the “treatment” that I felt like I had to “exit”, I realized that this was an incubus. I slightly opened my eyes, and I don’t know. The scene felt very unfamiliar, as if I was waking up on my bed from somewhere else.
In my struggle to wake up, I tried to extend my leg, I tried hard. Despite my fear, I didn’t have any physical demons pushing me down this time. But I remember my mind seeing bottles of Chinese food sauces and I remember my mind thinking, of course.
I was aware of what was going on. Like, this time it recognized that iit was an incubus. But unlike the last one I had, this time my mind decided that it was something I need to wake up from. Perhaps because of the scare I had from that doctor’s device.
That is, I think, all I can remember from this dream. Thank you unconsciousness for bringing up the unresolved issues, but you scared me a lot. We need to find a more gentle way to communicate.
Was this a warning? Well, every thing you say is warning anyway, so what makes this one so special that you needed to horror scare me like this? I will continue a 30 minute nap. If there is anything else, I don’t know, let me know, please. I am not leaving you behind.
I dreamt again in ths 30 minute nap. First one was like a 광산열차 모험. With 2 companions. First was a ghost, female. She could only communicate 이히히히. She came along, well, she was hit by the train and was flung off so I grabbed her and she joined onboard. Second was a 저승사자. He kind of was like vincent valentine in FF7. He said we’re going the wrong way, and after few banters he said he was here for me, and that’s the fact that im going this way meant it’s was 곤란해 for him because I was going to live longer.
I let the ghost woman down and parted farewell somewhere; I kissed her goodbye. and the train ride went into a beautiful sky path. At which the ghost came back (she flies) and the 저승사자 translated to me that she came back because she loved me. I asked him I don’t need to marry her right? And he said no it’s fine; it’s more like a friend love.
There’s a second part to the dream; it was the more recent one but I can’t remember.
It was a night scene. There was a conversation between me and someone. It felt resting to be there; and I knew that my time there was ending (I had this 30 minute nap video in which at the end of 30 minute there was going to be a ring that will wake me up). Kind of felt like the same grass that ii lied down at the beginning of that first sleep that turned into the nightmare.
Lost at sea, dream like human drama type of… movie? I am kind of intrigued (saw it’s ad on YT shorts)