Journal #8 – 4/6/2024

20 May 2024
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So my main plan today is to go out to E-mart (just a huge mart that’s literally in front of where I love) and buy some stuff. I’m going to buy some stationaries (for sometimes I think I can capture my thoughts and ideas on pen and paper more, but I don’t have those… and besides, I want to practice writing with hand so one day I can write a beautifully hand written letters), body wash, razor, toothbrush,… and let me think about what more I need as I write this entry.

Oh and I’m taking my new phone out to one of those phone stores to buy a case and perhaps a protective film.

Few things I need to do with my phone though: transfer contact info. I have so little ‘meaningful’ contacts that I can do this manually. And I think I will do that manually so I can perhaps contact the people if I desire to do so while I am at it. If not call, maybe I’ll make a list of them so I can think of what I should say to them when I miraculously see them sometime. I also need to finish installing few necessary apps. I think I installed most of them, but I just want to check that I did. I also need to fix up some settings on the phone so it’s optimized for me.

Few things I noticed on the sleeping aid device that I will just briefly write down here just so I don’t forget when I tell my best friend about my experience.

  • I have dreamt during my past sleep session; I don’t remember the dream but I did dream. However, on the sleep tracker it said I didn’t have any REM sleep? The tracker must have not been able to pick that up?

I want to get some exercises. My body feels good but I’d like to improve my body better so I feel better. In essence, I want to 증축 my temple.

I purchased 500,000won sinsaegae gift voucher. I don’t know why, but I did. Well, honesty time. I bought it for her. Because she was wondering if the letter I gave to her was a gift voucher, and I resigningly said, “I’ll give that to you later”

When I do, I’ll play a game with her, and then I’ll give her under 1 condition.

The game will be, you can have this voucher, but you need to give me back the letter.

And the condition will be “You can only use 20% on yourself, 70% of it for the people around you, and donate 10%”

I just came up with a thought: we defecate everyday. And the content of it sometimes is disgusting as hell, while sometimes, depending on your intake and your daily actions; sometimes it’s not so bad. Is there way to find a formula for… literally “good shit” so our environment can be better?

I want to go to church. I think I’ll ask the grumpy white haired convenience store man which church he goes to.

Index of all the videos you watched; in list filtered by what actions it made you do. Videos that made you click likes, subscribe, write comment, etc.

Make a list of the skills I need in order to be that man I wish to be.

Just had a session of crying, listening to Hated by Life Itself. / Kanzaki Iori (Covered by KOBASOLO & Aizawa). I cried hard; starting from the sad song itself, but then at the realization that I have received so much from the world. So much, and I was just crying out “give, give back.” And “thank you, world” Some part of my mind was asking me, ‘if all this crying is genuine?’ ‘are you doing this just to take advantage of the universe’s nature to give what you ask for?’ ‘is this really how you feel?’

I don’t know. But whatever it is, I asked for the universe this, and I will ask for it again right now. “Give the world everything. I don’t need anything for myself. I’ve been through the worst economic situation I could place myself, and I lived through that. If that’s what it takes to give everything away, I will do it and for now I know how, I will live through it; and I’ll do it better this time around.”

And this I mean it.

And so to calm myself down, I went out to smoke. At the doorway, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I told my reflection, I love the way that you are this kind of person. I love you. I love me. I love us. Let’s go make today the best possible day for the day before the end of the world; so that our future Jin can enjoy the best last day of the end of the world.

On the way out, the door from the guy who works at the vegetable store opened. I asked him if he works at that store right across and he said yes. I wished him a good day.

As I was entering the balcony, the woman who I couldn’t say hello to that night while I was recording was there. She was getting up and leaving as I was walking in. I think I should have said hello but I didn’t. A lingering thought in my head is saying “maybe she really needs a hello from a stranger right now” and this wave of guilt struck me. But I decided that I’ll trust the structure of the universe and fate. Maybe me not saying hello is the way it was meant to be. I trust the plan.

7:30am, and I should get down to cleaning up the mess which is my computer.

Deleted all the steam games except for darkest dungeon; I want to make a back up of the mods I made as a reminder for myself that I am a creative individual. Haha.

After I am done with deleting darkest dungeon; I will keep steamapp itself for this is the only way I know that I can reach Emerson with. Once I talk to him and figure out another way to communicate with him, then I will delete steam.

Done with deleting steam games. Now, none-steam games.

There are three games I do not wish to delete, which is Highschool Terra Story (Japanese version), Nobunaga’s ambition 6, and Sorcerian Forever. But I will. I am just writing them down so I can remember them by sentiment.

Wifi stopped working again! So I set up USB tethering from my phone to get the internet working. Back to work, I have some music on too!

Just found an old 가계부. I think I should continue using it.

Man, all the notes I took before in past; so many of them ring true.

I’m uninstalling softwares; and I have noticed how poorly so many of these say goodbye to you.

So I am kind of done with the “uninstall” phase of the cleanup. So I did this in a matter of an hour, pretty impressive. I have a recording on this uninstalling phase.

Just sent a thank you message to my best friend. Just ordered some sandwiches for pickup (no more delivery)

So I went to the store; but there was a mix up in the order so I had to wait a bit longer (like, 15 minutes I think? I didn’t bother counting). But I handled it nicely, didn’t get angry or frustrated, and I told them to handle it patiently. They looked so sorry when they were handing me the order so I told them, “everything is fine, except for one thing” and the girl at the counter had this concerned look, and I said “the nice smell of this place was a torture to wait.”

She laughed, the chef guy at the grill laughed, and I laughed. I hope this encounter brings them more joy throughout their day.

I’m watching tony robinson giving a speech on video This Will Change How You Do Everything w/ Tony Robbins | EP #69. He’s right now going through the “success cycle” and he said “trying” is bullshit because those who say trying is just doing enough to justify that I didn’t give up to easily. And this gave me the realization that I am using that word much less and instead I am saying I am ‘doing’ more naturally. Wow.

My horizon has to continuously expand. There are stuff happening around me that I am not aware of that I may help only if I knew. There are stuff happening in the world that I am not aware of that I need to know if I were to help. Keep your eyes and ears open at all times.

Just made an online purchase for toilet papers (I went to the mart but they only sell in huge bulks!), protective film for my phone, a phone case and some envelopes to accommodate the gift voucher thing I want to play with her.

Just called up my dad to finalize the appointment. We decided we will meet at 5pm. So until the meantime, I will do things that I need to do, as they come to mind. I’m not super stuck on the priority at the moment for today is another resting day for me. I think, however, I want to write the first draft of the thank you note to the guy who first complimented at work.

Went to the convenience store (the favorite one) and I saw it was finally open again! I went and told the boss how I felt about the convenience store. How it is the best convenience store in the world, and how amazing the staff is. I bought 3 coffees, and I asked her what her favorite drink is so I can buy them as reopening gift. She said she already drank too much and it’s okay. As I am not a fan of giving unsolicited help, I accepted her refusal. But she tried to pay for my coffee with her card! The payment didn’t go through though, haha.

I forgot to buy febreeze! Damn it!

So I think it’s about time that I get the videos out for youtube. Since I’m still figuring out how to transfer files from my new phone to the PC, I’m going to start writing the general plan for the channel.

Oh, and I also found one more thing to clean up. My BOOKMARKS. That shouldn’t take too long, I’ll get on with that too. I just made a folder called archive; made a folder named 4/6/2024 and just dumped everything in there, lol. Except for the link for my hosting/blog (which I don’t operate, but I think I will soon), map, and YT. Also two links to my paid course stage academy (communication skills) and Science of People website (didn’t check it out yet, and I want to), and a link to local community service finding website (I want to do some community service).

*I am wondering if I am too sporadic and not focused. I will practice focusing. Damn it, more sporadic things I need to do!

Currently watching How to Master Storytelling | Shaan Puri | How I Write Podcast (yeah, yeah, I’m procrastinating in a way, but in another way, I’m learning so much from this!). Shaan just said he finds the premium skills so attain are the ones that have value but something no one practices for, for reasons such as it’s lame or taboo to say you are practicing or improving on.

Well, focusing is one of them? For sure! This journaling is so cool because it serves so many functions. This journal can be the productive dumping of my ADHD tendencies. I bounce to this to dump the ideas that just come to my mind so I can go back to what I was working on with my mind at easy knowing that the idea isn’t gone with the wind.

Shaan brings in another important point: hooks are overrated; and what’s underrated is the frame. I think I can rephrase it as “perspective” as in essence how you dress up the content can drastically change the impact of the message.

To improve, you need to do 100 reps, but not just normal 100 reps but intelligent reps, where you take lessons from the previous one and apply to the next.

1:38 pm and I just went out for another cigarette. I purposely delayed it 3 times before finally going out for one. Actually, the reason why I went out for that smoke is because I had to use the bathroom, and when I came out, I found myself putting on the coat to go out, like on auto pilot. I really have to stop. It’s my solace stick that will kill me if I go down this path. I will quit. I will do everything to be aware of the moments the urges come in and I’ll tell my body no.

There are many ways to self improvement, but I think the biggest priority is your health, your body. If you feel lost and don’t know where to begin, I say aim for healthy. A healthy body can contain a corrupt soul, but no good soul can survive in an inadequate body.

I will stop smoking, and even if I fail to keep the streak, I will do better the next time around, always. No trying BS; it’s time to do.

I am going to see my dad at 5pm near his place so I will start getting ready by taking a shower…. That makes it my second shower for the day! I finally am that guy who takes two showers a day? Damnnnnn.

Okay, 2:16 pm and I’m done taking the shower with my cloth on (except sox) and my hair waxed. I need to learn how to style my hair better. Really. It’s so boring and doesn’t have that subtle edge that grabs attention.

Took a short 2 minute video as I was getting out of the shower that says something along the lines of the moment that I realized that I was changing was when I saw myself in the mirror and I saw that my body looked…. Decent? So if you are unsure where to start, start with health first.

If I make shorts, I want to make it in 프응 스타일, where the narration matches the context but is not a literal subtitle of what’s being spoken.

I really can’t shake this feeling: I am documenting change for I know there’s a lot ahead of me in order to become what I want to be. But I still missed that moment of that quantum leap that allowed me to see life in this perspective. I know for someone who was in my shoes would pay everything in their meager possessions to even reach that point of quantum leap, for I was the same way.

All of what a story is “change” World was this way, now it’s one way; I was this way, now it’s one way. Story, is transformation.

I feel the unease right now. There’s the uncertainty speaking again. There is no objective truth, for all is based on perspective. But there is subjective truth. Then the way to approach life is test the subjective truth, all the time.

I just called my mom and talked for 40 minutes. I feel understood. I messaged my sister asking her what I must do in order for her to see me as a human being again.

I felt like as if I knew everything yesterday, today I feel like I don’t know anything. And that’s such an important memory of the moment that I shall not forget. The truth of me still stands true though. Honesty. And Help others. Gratitude. Sincere. All I can do is be the true me, and trust the system.

I love you, my family.

I love you, Jin. I am happy that you are made this way.

I am scared and I am paranoid at this point. So much that I worry about what I write. I will continue documenting it though. That’s is my goal. Am I going mental and is all what I am doing just a symptom of craziness? Or is this a part of the natural process that I am just so uncomfortable because I have yet been on this stage? I feel like I have, back in the days in Suffolk Community College days, when everything was just… weird.

But I think that was when it all stopped and I went back to being the way I was, the game playing, disgruntled Jin.

Once again, my only line of reassurance is this: I have no regrets. And any that will arise, I will mend.

I will sleep now. It’s 11:38pm. I don’t like the energy that I express. I will focus on work.

BUT you know what? If I am crazy, and this is just some kind of terminal illness I must fight through my entire remaining days of life, then so be it. Let me be that crazy guy who was so crazy he cleaned up is room that was a dump pile. I’m going to take out some trash now. That I will do before sleep. And shoot a clip to capture my current state.

12:38 and I cleaned out a bit more; if anything, my guide can become a guide to how to clean up your mess. All and all, I am doing something good, hopefully.

I guess when you are in doubt; do something that is aligned with your goal and purpose. It does tiny up the mess in your mind, it seems.